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text; un: 火 (late june)

[chokuto]

[i'm here again but you're not allowed to turn this into action.]

Have you ever heard of a game called "Twenty Questions"?

un: tseng / text

[nonvoting]

[ okay FINE ]

I've heard of it, but never played.

[chokuto]

Do you want to?

[nonvoting]

I would, with you.

[chokuto]

Just with me?

[hello are we flirting now]

[nonvoting]

[ i think we are ]

Just with you. Why? Would you rather I play with someone else?

[chokuto]

Then it's a good thing you're already playing with me.

[you fell for my trap card]

So, to answer your question, no. Do you know why?

[nonvoting]

I don't know, tell me?

[chokuto]

I want to know more about who you are. And I want to be your first experience with this game, even if it's only an excuse to ask you questions.

Where did you grow up? What sort of place was it?

[nonvoting]

[ wow doki doki... ]

I see. In that case, I'll happily satisfy you. Your curiosity, that is.

I grew up in a country to the east of Midgar, in a border village. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I recall the village being small and communal. Farmers, mostly.

[chokuto]

Did you have a family?

[sorry i am making you dig deep]

[nonvoting]

I must have. I can vaguely recall my mother and father, but I don't think I had siblings. I was also raised at least in part by the elderly of the village, which I believe was fairly common.

[chokuto]

Was it peaceful? Your village.

[nonvoting]

No. There were frequent military skirmishes with Midgar over land use rights. Despite Wutai having a fairly advanced bioweaponry program, Midgar's technological advancements outstripped them, and the conflict ultimately destroyed most of my village. And when I was 15, the two nations went to war in earnest.

[chokuto]

[This brings solemn pause. He knows that there are comparisons to be drawn between their two worlds, and he should have expected war would be among them — but it isn't any better to hear.]

I'm sorry.

Did you take part in that conflict?

[nonvoting]

I didn't. Turks are rarely sent to the front lines, and I had a different assignment at the time. There was also concern that my ties to Wutai would compromise my judgment were I to be too closely involved.

[chokuto]

I see.

I don't think that's fair. Of course you would feel something for your own village — and withholding you from that is wrong. You should have been allowed to participate.

You were fifteen?

[He has big feelings and big opinions about this.]

1/2

[nonvoting]

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. I was thirteen when I was recruited to the Turks, after my village was destroyed, and fifteen when war was formally declared.

The Turks are an entity attached to the de facto government of my world. We are based primarily in Midgar, and the war was between Midgar and Wutai. I would not have been allowed to participate for fear that my national origin would compromise my loyalty to my employers.

I don't know whether or not this would have been the case. I remember very little of my childhood. It's called dissociative amnesia, and our staff psychologists tell me it's a trauma response to what I witnessed during that formative period of my life.

2/2

[nonvoting]

I'm answering honestly because you said you wanted to know, but I understand if this is too much information.

[ maybe when he conceptualized this 20 questions game sasuke didn't expect that they would end up talking about the trauma of war and the slaughter of tseng's family? he won't take it personally if sasuke wants to change tacks. ]

[chokuto]

[His response is delayed, but not for the reason Tseng suggests in the second message — it is because of a closeness to home, like a splinter of glass pushed beneath the armor of skin. It has been long enough he'd expected these wounds healed, even as he knows better, as other situations have agitated parts of his past. Their resurfacing is no surprise, but the ache of soreness helps little — reading over Tseng's precise words, so clearly picked to the bone of emotion so that only the anesthetized story is left.

Dissociative amnesia. A war against his own people by the acting government to which he belonged. He's told Tseng how the man reminds him of another person significant to his life. It feels more overwhelming, in this moment, than he anticipates.]

You're correct — I was the one who said I wanted to know more about you. And you're already aware that I prefer honesty. There's nothing you could tell me that would change my mind about you. You are a good man.

Do you wish that you could remember? Your childhood, and the place you called home.

[nonvoting]

[ now it's tseng's turn to take a moment to reply. a good man? no one has ever called him that before. for the most part, tseng tends to think of himself less in terms of morality, good and evil, than he does in terms of necessity: he does what he must. he is a tool, a weapon in the hands of someone greater than himself. the fulcrum that supports the lever with which rufus shinra will move the world.

he should disabuse sasuke of the notion that tseng is good, but... he can't bring himself to argue. there may yet be things that change sasuke's perception of tseng, but until those come to light, tseng wants to bask in the warmth of sasuke's regard. ]

Truthfully, I don't know. I've lived this long without it.

A part of me wonders if remembering would only cause unnecessary pain. On the other hand, it might not be bad to know where I came from.

[chokuto]

I don't know what it's like not to remember, but ultimately that decision is up to you.

All I can say is that — our past is part of us. The place where we were raised is in our blood, whether we want that or not. It defines who we become and we cannot escape its influence. So, perhaps it would be better not to recall those experiences if they were painful, but they've impacted you regardless. They've made you who you are, so they should never be ignored.

I have another question, but it's different from the ones I've asked so far. Is that all right?

[nonvoting]

You sound like you know a thing or two about it.

[ but it's not a question, the way tseng says it. he would gladly listen to anything sasuke wants to share with him about his past, but he has no expectations of sasuke doing so now. if anything, the observation is only meant to let sasuke know that tseng is here when he's ready. ]

I'll think on it.

It's all right. You can ask anything you want to ask.

[chokuto]

[He does. And one day, he'll tell Tseng. That isn't really in question for him.]

Is there something you'd enjoy doing to me? To be clear, I mean this sexually.

[look he has way too much experience swerving straight from Trauma to Kink.]

[nonvoting]

[ well, those things aren't entirely unrelated...

the pivot does make tseng smile, though. ]

Would you like a singular example or a comprehensive list?