I must have. I can vaguely recall my mother and father, but I don't think I had siblings. I was also raised at least in part by the elderly of the village, which I believe was fairly common.
No. There were frequent military skirmishes with Midgar over land use rights. Despite Wutai having a fairly advanced bioweaponry program, Midgar's technological advancements outstripped them, and the conflict ultimately destroyed most of my village. And when I was 15, the two nations went to war in earnest.
[This brings solemn pause. He knows that there are comparisons to be drawn between their two worlds, and he should have expected war would be among them — but it isn't any better to hear.]
I didn't. Turks are rarely sent to the front lines, and I had a different assignment at the time. There was also concern that my ties to Wutai would compromise my judgment were I to be too closely involved.
I don't think that's fair. Of course you would feel something for your own village — and withholding you from that is wrong. You should have been allowed to participate.
You were fifteen?
[He has big feelings and big opinions about this.]
I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. I was thirteen when I was recruited to the Turks, after my village was destroyed, and fifteen when war was formally declared.
The Turks are an entity attached to the de facto government of my world. We are based primarily in Midgar, and the war was between Midgar and Wutai. I would not have been allowed to participate for fear that my national origin would compromise my loyalty to my employers.
I don't know whether or not this would have been the case. I remember very little of my childhood. It's called dissociative amnesia, and our staff psychologists tell me it's a trauma response to what I witnessed during that formative period of my life.
I'm answering honestly because you said you wanted to know, but I understand if this is too much information.
[ maybe when he conceptualized this 20 questions game sasuke didn't expect that they would end up talking about the trauma of war and the slaughter of tseng's family? he won't take it personally if sasuke wants to change tacks. ]
[His response is delayed, but not for the reason Tseng suggests in the second message — it is because of a closeness to home, like a splinter of glass pushed beneath the armor of skin. It has been long enough he'd expected these wounds healed, even as he knows better, as other situations have agitated parts of his past. Their resurfacing is no surprise, but the ache of soreness helps little — reading over Tseng's precise words, so clearly picked to the bone of emotion so that only the anesthetized story is left.
Dissociative amnesia. A war against his own people by the acting government to which he belonged. He's told Tseng how the man reminds him of another person significant to his life. It feels more overwhelming, in this moment, than he anticipates.]
You're correct — I was the one who said I wanted to know more about you. And you're already aware that I prefer honesty. There's nothing you could tell me that would change my mind about you. You are a good man.
Do you wish that you could remember? Your childhood, and the place you called home.
[ now it's tseng's turn to take a moment to reply. a good man? no one has ever called him that before. for the most part, tseng tends to think of himself less in terms of morality, good and evil, than he does in terms of necessity: he does what he must. he is a tool, a weapon in the hands of someone greater than himself. the fulcrum that supports the lever with which rufus shinra will move the world.
he should disabuse sasuke of the notion that tseng is good, but... he can't bring himself to argue. there may yet be things that change sasuke's perception of tseng, but until those come to light, tseng wants to bask in the warmth of sasuke's regard. ]
Truthfully, I don't know. I've lived this long without it.
A part of me wonders if remembering would only cause unnecessary pain. On the other hand, it might not be bad to know where I came from.
I don't know what it's like not to remember, but ultimately that decision is up to you.
All I can say is that — our past is part of us. The place where we were raised is in our blood, whether we want that or not. It defines who we become and we cannot escape its influence. So, perhaps it would be better not to recall those experiences if they were painful, but they've impacted you regardless. They've made you who you are, so they should never be ignored.
I have another question, but it's different from the ones I've asked so far. Is that all right?
[ but it's not a question, the way tseng says it. he would gladly listen to anything sasuke wants to share with him about his past, but he has no expectations of sasuke doing so now. if anything, the observation is only meant to let sasuke know that tseng is here when he's ready. ]
I'll think on it.
It's all right. You can ask anything you want to ask.
I would like to put a plug or vibrator inside you and put you over my lap to spank you or paddle you. I would make you choose a number and spank you that many times, and only allow you to come if you could count that high without making a mistake. If you make a mistake, we start from the beginning. If you come before you're allowed, I punish you by making you come over and over until you physically can't come again.
[ is he making it too obvious that he's put quite a bit of thought into this? ]
[He definitely asked for this, but — perhaps he hadn't anticipated Tseng would spell it out in such detail. Reading over the words, it's impossible not to be affected, warmth flushing cheeks and down the back of his neck as he imagines lying naked in Tseng's lap beneath his hand, a toy nestled in his ass.
Becoming so wrung out that he cannot physically move, let alone come again... he believes he'd enjoy that.]
[ just two guys, squirming over hot and heavy texting. ]
Having to work for it will make it all the more enjoyable, don't you think? And I know you and your body well enough that I'm confident I can earn it.
I have been, yes. Does that surprise you?
[ it's not easy to read sasuke's tone via text, so it's a calculated risk for tseng to assume that he, too, is turned on by the prospect. the next text he sends is risky, too, even if it's true: ]
Would it surprise you to know I got myself off in the shower the other morning, thinking of exactly that?
[Ah. There's a moment where, staring down at those words, Sasuke feels a little wild with want — and he nearly suggests that he come up to Tseng's suite presuming the man is there at all. Instead he swallows hard, and focuses on his reply rather than the state of arousal spiked high and dizzy in himself. The image of Tseng like that, skin wet with water and hair an ink-black curtain — he's seen it before, which makes the imagining more intense.]
I'm a little surprised. I wasn't sure... how far your interest in me extended.
[Whether Tseng thought about him at all when they were apart.]
But I enjoy the idea, that I've affected you that way. I can picture it clearly. I'd like to see it with my own eyes.
[ now that—that's surprising. not that sasuke couldn't tell how interested tseng is, that's more or less to be expected given how carefully tseng has maintained his careful distance. it's surprising that sasuke wondered. there's an implication there, that sasuke hopes tseng is interested, that he hopes tseng thinks of him when they're apart.
it recalibrates something in tseng's understanding of their relationship. sasuke had said as much at the beginning, of course, that he found it difficult to be sexually intimate with someone without feelings being involved; this is just the moment in which tseng reconciles that with his own feelings towards sasuke. ]
I'm sorry I haven't made that clear--I am very interested in you. I think of you often, sexually and otherwise.
I would like you to see it with your own eyes, if in exchange I can watch the way it affects you to see me.
[The blunt, no-nonsense way Tseng says it isn't unexpected, given the man's nature, but he still finds himself affected by it — because it seems to come foremost from a place of honesty. And Sasuke hadn't realized how much he was craving that until this moment.]
If that's what you want.
[Given one of their previous conversations, it feels necessary to clarify. But only once. That Tseng is doing this for himself, and not for Sasuke's sake.]
There's something else I should tell you, though. It's about my eyes — you must have noticed they're unusual.
[ it is honesty, absolutely. that he made sasuke question it at all is not a feeling tseng likes, and even if he's not used to vulnerability he would much rather try for sasuke's sake. ]
It is what I want.
[ like, so badly that thinking about it makes his mouth go dry. ]
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[sorry i am making you dig deep]
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I'm sorry.
Did you take part in that conflict?
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I don't think that's fair. Of course you would feel something for your own village — and withholding you from that is wrong. You should have been allowed to participate.
You were fifteen?
[He has big feelings and big opinions about this.]
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The Turks are an entity attached to the de facto government of my world. We are based primarily in Midgar, and the war was between Midgar and Wutai. I would not have been allowed to participate for fear that my national origin would compromise my loyalty to my employers.
I don't know whether or not this would have been the case. I remember very little of my childhood. It's called dissociative amnesia, and our staff psychologists tell me it's a trauma response to what I witnessed during that formative period of my life.
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[ maybe when he conceptualized this 20 questions game sasuke didn't expect that they would end up talking about the trauma of war and the slaughter of tseng's family? he won't take it personally if sasuke wants to change tacks. ]
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Dissociative amnesia. A war against his own people by the acting government to which he belonged. He's told Tseng how the man reminds him of another person significant to his life. It feels more overwhelming, in this moment, than he anticipates.]
You're correct — I was the one who said I wanted to know more about you. And you're already aware that I prefer honesty. There's nothing you could tell me that would change my mind about you. You are a good man.
Do you wish that you could remember? Your childhood, and the place you called home.
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he should disabuse sasuke of the notion that tseng is good, but... he can't bring himself to argue. there may yet be things that change sasuke's perception of tseng, but until those come to light, tseng wants to bask in the warmth of sasuke's regard. ]
Truthfully, I don't know. I've lived this long without it.
A part of me wonders if remembering would only cause unnecessary pain. On the other hand, it might not be bad to know where I came from.
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All I can say is that — our past is part of us. The place where we were raised is in our blood, whether we want that or not. It defines who we become and we cannot escape its influence. So, perhaps it would be better not to recall those experiences if they were painful, but they've impacted you regardless. They've made you who you are, so they should never be ignored.
I have another question, but it's different from the ones I've asked so far. Is that all right?
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[ but it's not a question, the way tseng says it. he would gladly listen to anything sasuke wants to share with him about his past, but he has no expectations of sasuke doing so now. if anything, the observation is only meant to let sasuke know that tseng is here when he's ready. ]
I'll think on it.
It's all right. You can ask anything you want to ask.
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Is there something you'd enjoy doing to me? To be clear, I mean this sexually.
[look he has way too much experience swerving straight from Trauma to Kink.]
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the pivot does make tseng smile, though. ]
Would you like a singular example or a comprehensive list?
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Just one, for now.
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I would like to put a plug or vibrator inside you and put you over my lap to spank you or paddle you. I would make you choose a number and spank you that many times, and only allow you to come if you could count that high without making a mistake. If you make a mistake, we start from the beginning. If you come before you're allowed, I punish you by making you come over and over until you physically can't come again.
[ is he making it too obvious that he's put quite a bit of thought into this? ]
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Becoming so wrung out that he cannot physically move, let alone come again... he believes he'd enjoy that.]
And if I make a mistake on purpose?
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Then perhaps I'll put a cock ring on you and make you come anyway, until you're so worked up and needy that you beg me to give you release.
[ are we sexting now? tseng can't pretend he's not affected by the idea, either; it's his fantasy for a reason, because it gets to him in a big way. ]
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So you want me to beg? I don't do that easily. You'll have your work cut out for you.
Have you been imagining this?
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Having to work for it will make it all the more enjoyable, don't you think? And I know you and your body well enough that I'm confident I can earn it.
I have been, yes. Does that surprise you?
[ it's not easy to read sasuke's tone via text, so it's a calculated risk for tseng to assume that he, too, is turned on by the prospect. the next text he sends is risky, too, even if it's true: ]
Would it surprise you to know I got myself off in the shower the other morning, thinking of exactly that?
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I'm a little surprised. I wasn't sure... how far your interest in me extended.
[Whether Tseng thought about him at all when they were apart.]
But I enjoy the idea, that I've affected you that way. I can picture it clearly. I'd like to see it with my own eyes.
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it recalibrates something in tseng's understanding of their relationship. sasuke had said as much at the beginning, of course, that he found it difficult to be sexually intimate with someone without feelings being involved; this is just the moment in which tseng reconciles that with his own feelings towards sasuke. ]
I'm sorry I haven't made that clear--I am very interested in you. I think of you often, sexually and otherwise.
I would like you to see it with your own eyes, if in exchange I can watch the way it affects you to see me.
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If that's what you want.
[Given one of their previous conversations, it feels necessary to clarify. But only once. That Tseng is doing this for himself, and not for Sasuke's sake.]
There's something else I should tell you, though. It's about my eyes — you must have noticed they're unusual.
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It is what I want.
[ like, so badly that thinking about it makes his mouth go dry. ]
I have noticed that your eyes are unique, yes.
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