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[nonvoting]

@tseng

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[nonvoting]

I understand what you mean.

You asked if it's a "side of me." I think... it is, and I think I would enjoy letting you indulge it. But you remain the only person I would trust to handle me that way, and while I can't speak to what the masses deserve, I would prefer that you be the only one to see the fruits of your efforts, so to speak.

I do like exhibitionism conceptually, though. So if there are other types of sex you'd like to have with me in public, or in semi-public, I'm also open to those ideas.

[unionized]

You mean like going to see our movie together sometime?

You, me, adjacent seats, a dark theater...

[nonvoting]

You drive a hard bargain. I accept.

[unionized]

Would it be an equally hard bargain to get you back into that outfit sometime?

Not for the movie, of course. Just sometime.

[nonvoting]

Not if we were in private. Did you like it that much?

[unionized]

I did. It's a rarity for you to call attention to yourself like that — something to be looked at and admired. You're breathtaking when you indulge it.

[nonvoting]

I spent a decade and a half being trained in how to vanish from awareness. Being the focus of attention doesn't come naturally to me. Still... I'm glad you enjoyed it. I did too.

[unionized]

I'm still surprised they started you so early. You were well under the starting age for a Turk when you were brought into the fold, weren't you?

— Wait. I'm shifting the subject when we're flirting again. Disregard that.

[nonvoting]

[ cute... ]

It's all right. We have been flirting, you've been flirting back. I don't mind a change of subject now, since you've made your interest clear.

I was young, yes. I was thirteen when I was recruited. Extenuating circumstances, I believe.

[unionized]

Something to do with the war, I expect.

No wonder you developed a knack for blending in and avoiding notice. You had to adapt to life in Midgar.

[nonvoting]

Yes. My village was destroyed by the fighting, with me the only survivor. I avoided capture for several weeks before the infantry found me and gave me the choice to go to Midgar and take the application exam.

[ "the choice," tseng says, although they both know that the other option would have been to be gunned down on the spot. ]

There aren't many Wutaians in Midgar, let alone working for the Company. Especially not back then. It behooved me to learn to keep a low profile.

[unionized]

And to become the perfect citizen. Twice as dedicated to make up for starting half the race behind everyone else.

We both smothered what we were to become what we had to, didn't we?

[nonvoting]

Yes, in a manner of speaking.

[ again, the typing bubbles. ]

I don't remember who I used to be. My name, my parents... I don't know if I had siblings. I don't know what I smothered to become who I am now. Even so, I don't regret it.

[unionized]

[...Ah.]

Impertinent though it might be, I can't resist asking. What made it worth it, that you don't regret it?

[nonvoting]

You.

[ surely rufus knew that. ]

[unionized]

Your parents, your siblings, your name.

I'm worth that?

[nonvoting]

Those things... they no longer exist. I grieved them and I moved forward in their absence. I don't wonder what it would have been like if things were different, because they aren't and they can never be.

What I do know is that the first time I came to see you on the Turks quarters during your house arrest, seeing your mind at work was like looking into the center of a star. I saw your drive and your ambition, and along with it your intelligence and the kindness you prefer no one believe you have at all. You have my loyalty and the loyalty of the Turks not because you demanded it or paid for it but because you earned it. How could I possibly regret that?

[unionized]

[It's his turn to "...typing" bubble for a little while, now.]

Can I ask you something? I don't want to sound as though I doubt your position or your commitment to it.

[nonvoting]

You can ask me anything.

[unionized]

Everything you just articulated amounts to trading family for work. You lost people who, it can be assumed if only even statistically speaking, loved you. When you put it the way you just did, I'm not sure I am worth what you gave up to have me.

But I'm willing to consider the possibility that you might have reasons to omit...certain. Assumptions. That you might feel are too ambiguous to presume.

So my question is. Without bringing work into it. Am I an adequate...balance...for a lost family?

[nonvoting]

To be completely honest with you, Rufus, I don't know. I didn't give anything up, not intentionally--that life was taken from me. But I don't think it serves me, or anyone, to dwell on that, and the exercise doesn't seem meaningful when I don't even remember what it is I'd be losing.

What I do know is that on the balance, what I have now, with you, feels good and right, and that what I feel for you is meaningful enough to be fair to me. For however much that's worth.

[unionized]

I like that. You being completely honest with me. Not that I ever doubted it, just — I thought I should mention that.

[He text bubbles again, a bit.]

It's not the same, but. Being here, I find I don't always miss Midgar as much as I ought to. Because you're here. And I'd rather be here with you than there without you.

[nonvoting]

[ they've always been able to read each other's little tells; tseng finds that even in text, rufus' words say i love you, too almost as clearly as he ever might do aloud. ]

I'd like to believe that we'd figure it out there, too. Even if it took us a little longer.

Are you busy?

[unionized]

And perhaps not in the same manner this all started. Given that it all started with you throwing caution to the wind and having me on my desk. Hardly unwelcome, by the way, but in Midgar there are cameras.

[And maybe that's just another of his little tells, that injection of gentle humor — less deflecting and more just the bashfulness of having been vulnerable, and being understood for it.]

I'm not. Seems my interview with the young hotshot has been canceled, so I'm wide open for you.

[nonvoting]

Shiva. Did I ever tell you I thought I was dreaming? I thought that for almost a full week until I saw you in the resort, flesh and blood.

[ tseng is relatively sure he's never admitted that to rufus before. not only that he thought he was dreaming, but that the prospect of a wet dream about his boss was welcome enough for tseng to lean into it the way he had. ]

I'll come to you, then. I'd like to make us drinks and then kiss you for a while.