[ too much risk to rufus, in midgar. at best, they could have had a meal in his private quarters, but even that would require care not to be spotted by anyone they didn't want gossiping. ]
When I first arrived here, on the beach, someone told me they thought of this place like a fresh start. A clean slate and anonymity, where anyone could be anything they wanted regardless of who they were before.
The way he said it, I thought it sounded like hell. Imagine wanting to be someone other than myself, after everything I've done to become what I am.
I want to eat Wutai food without concerns of making an international political statement. I want to hear the results of that assessment I asked you for.
And I want
[...]
There are some things I want that I have no control over.
[ instead of writing it all out in a text, tseng just attaches a file to his response. it's a pdf document, and it contains several pages of notes, beginning with rufus' personality and habits before moving to a brief summary of how those personality traits would intersect with the expected behaviors of a dominant or submissive partner.
in terms of rufus as a dominant: he has the confidence and the assertiveness for it, but the fact that he considers submission demeaning and would likely judge a sub for using their safe word would make it difficult for him to establish a healthy d/s relationship with a new partner. tseng recommends that he experiment with more experienced partners first.
in terms of rufus as a submissive: because so much of his sense of self is tied to the power that he's able to wield over others, submitting and allowing himself to be vulnerable to someone else would likely be a difficult task for him. he would most likely refuse to use his safe word for fear of retribution or mockery, or would force himself beyond his own limits due to an avoidance of perceived failure.
nonetheless, the assessment concludes that while rufus may be most comfortable acting the part of a dominant, in truth he would likely make a much better submissive, if he could just get over the baggage. (not in those exact words, of course.) ]
[It's a good thing that this wasn't delivered in person, for both their sakes. There's something in the painstakingly clinical way Tseng writes his assessment yet interjects his speculations that makes him think back to that day with the white thread, the way he'd said I can barely stand it, how he must've imagined the partners in these hypothetical scenarios the same way they'd both conceptualized all those other strangers who might have been attached to their strings.
It's good for his sake, too, because the conclusions are —]
This makes it sound as though I'm bad at both.
[It's, like. 50% meant as a joke.]
When you say limits, in the second half. If I can go beyond them, are they really limits to begin with?
[shiva h. summons on a diamond dust cracker, rufus, holy shit.]
[ they are exceptionally clinical reports, primarily because imagining rufus submitting to anyone makes tseng feel insane, but imagining him submitting to tseng makes him even insaner. ]
On the contrary. I think you have potential to be exceptional at both, or either, depending on your preference.
[ there are just a few hangups to get over... like, for example, the one rufus just immortalized in text. ]
Think of it this way. Do you remember the raid on the warehouse that ended up being a front for the diamond dust ring? When Verdot had me take point on the team coming in upstairs, which happened to be where the explosives were held.
[ tseng was maybe 22, then; rufus would have been 21. he likely wouldn't have paid much attention to the event when it happened, but tseng knows he's read all the turk files by now. the warehouse blew up. tseng broke one of his legs and a couple of ribs, and had second-degree burns all across his chest and arms. he was lucky; it only took the healers two days of work, to get him walking again. ]
I could have walked on that leg, even though it was broken in two places. Should I have, just to make a point?
You don't need to force yourself to be uncomfortable for the sake of proving you can handle it.
[One of them will try to die for you, Rufus thinks suddenly, unbidden, and surely apropos of absolutely nothing. Over and over and over again.]
You know it would've been expected. If it were me.
[He doesn't say who would have done the expecting; he doesn't want to extend the bastard even the dignity of an aside or a mention. It's not as though he needs to, not really. There's always only been one person whose standards Rufus could never live up to.]
You know they trained me in what to do if I was ever taken hostage? Unlikely, of course, but not impossible. "Stay alive" was on equal footing with "remember you're a Shinra and act like it".
[ it is not tseng's place to comment on rufus' relationship with his father. he should keep his mouth shut and let the topic pass. but they are playing a game where tseng doesn't call rufus "sir," aren't they? so maybe tseng is losing his mind. ]
I do know that. I also know they aren't here, and that you are already more and better than he ever could have been.
What they would have expected of you is not my concern. Only what you need, and what you want for yourself.
[He has, perhaps, never typed a sentence so fast, nor made himself hit send so quickly. So fast there's no time to think through the ramifications. So immediate that there's no taking it back.
It's only afterwards that there's space to read those lines of Tseng's text over and over again and dwell on what it makes him feel. The compliment, the unbidden praise. The reassurance. The lack of mockery. The refusal to categorize any part of him a failure.
It's not hard to see the clear bright line from A to B, when the question asks who it is that makes him feel safe, no matter the circumstances.]
But I won't ask you to. I don't want you to do it just because I asked.
[His fingers feel numb. His nerves are buzzing. Somehow, he plucks out the last of the keys anyway.]
When you planned everything on my birthday. And I didn't have to ask or decide. That's halfway to...this...already. Isn't it?
[ tseng must be losing his mind. he reads the text, and reads it again; he stands up and walks a lap around the living room, then pauses by the window, which shows a shockingly convincing rendition of cosmo canyon, and reads it again. is he imagining this? is there a world in which rufus asks tseng to—to— ]
Maybe a third of the way.
[ fuck. ]
All right. Yes.
[ fuck. ]
I will. Not because you asked me to. And not immediately. But soon, when the opportunity presents itself.
[ and then tseng goes to take a shower, during which he jerks off desperately and tries not to be ashamed, after, of what he imagines. ]
Rufus Shinra sits on his couch in his 10s suite (not as nice as Tseng's, because nothing in this room is quite as nice as the things he partakes of at Tseng's) and holds his watch in fingers he can't quite feel anymore, and breathes, and nothing about him has changed. What he's done just now is about as close to an outright admission of weakness as one can get, the sort of thing he once would've thought couldn't be forced out of him even through torture or truth serum.
But here he is, on his couch, and he puts his feet up on the armrest and lets his head sink back into a pillow, and he holds his watch and Tseng is still his and the whole world hasn't come crashing down around his head, but he repeats himself.
Every future leads to ruin, maybe. A whole planet's fate rests on the decisions he makes. More fool him, should he squander an opportunity during the window he's got it.]
Your regard. Still high?
[Since what he has just asked for, what they now appear to be on the verge of negotiating, is very much him not being Tseng's boss.]
[ out of the shower and with his hair still damp around his shoulders, tseng reads the new message and finds himself smiling just a little, despite himself. he knows how much it must have cost rufus to ask for something like this, understanding what tseng does about the way rufus was raised and the way he views weakness. to ask someone for something, rather than to command it of them, and for that "something" to be sexual submission... tseng is sure it must have set every one of rufus' teeth on edge.
but he still asked, and that's something. that's a lot, actually. ]
Yes, very.
[ it would take quite some doing to damage tseng's regard for rufus, and of all the things that might do it, admitting to wanting tseng to dominate him would never even come close to making the list. ]
[ of course tseng has questions upon questions. the problem is, honestly, less that tseng thinks rufus wouldn't want to answer his questions and more that tseng isn't sure he's ready to hear what rufus' response might be. ]
You have my agreement, but I also need yours.
If we do this, I will ask you to promise me certain things about your boundaries and limits and I will expect you to keep those promises. Do you feel confident that you can do that?
[ feeling the way rufus does about things like weakness and limits and safe words..... ]
[Oh. Oh, he kind of hates that question, actually. Hates the very exacting way it's phrased, hates the fact that they're still playing the game and yes, he's got that as a convenient excuse, but even if they weren't, he'd still find himself compelled to tell the truth.
It just takes a while for him to answer, quiet for a long time. Nobody's said anything about...starting this dynamic just yet, right at this moment, but Tseng had made it more than clear that he's supposed to be honest — no, not just honest. Genuine.]
No. I'm...not confident.
[He takes a slow breath, and makes himself clarify.]
That's why I want it to be you. Because I think I'll...that it's likely I'll make a mistake. And you already know that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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We couldn't have done that in Midgar, could we?
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[ too much risk to rufus, in midgar. at best, they could have had a meal in his private quarters, but even that would require care not to be spotted by anyone they didn't want gossiping. ]
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The way he said it, I thought it sounded like hell. Imagine wanting to be someone other than myself, after everything I've done to become what I am.
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I don't want to be anyone other than myself. And I am Shinra.
I just wonder if I killed what I was to become what I am. Or if it's only...buried somewhere, out of sight and out of mind.
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For what it's worth, I think the latter.
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If I weren't your boss, would your opinion of me change?
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My opinion, no. It wasn't so long ago that you weren't my boss, and I still held you in high regard.
[ his feelings, on the other hand... tseng puts a tight lid on that thought before it takes root. ]
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I will point out that clarifying it's your opinion that wouldn't change begs the implication that something else would.
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[ ha ha... good save(?) ]
Is there anything else that you couldn't do in Midgar that you would like to do here?
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I want to eat Wutai food without concerns of making an international political statement.
I want to hear the results of that assessment I asked you for.
And I want
[...]
There are some things I want that I have no control over.
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You'll have to tell me if I can help with the others.
Would you like to hear the assessment now?
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But yes, tell me. I'm sure I'll have at least two questions to ask once I hear it.
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in terms of rufus as a dominant: he has the confidence and the assertiveness for it, but the fact that he considers submission demeaning and would likely judge a sub for using their safe word would make it difficult for him to establish a healthy d/s relationship with a new partner. tseng recommends that he experiment with more experienced partners first.
in terms of rufus as a submissive: because so much of his sense of self is tied to the power that he's able to wield over others, submitting and allowing himself to be vulnerable to someone else would likely be a difficult task for him. he would most likely refuse to use his safe word for fear of retribution or mockery, or would force himself beyond his own limits due to an avoidance of perceived failure.
nonetheless, the assessment concludes that while rufus may be most comfortable acting the part of a dominant, in truth he would likely make a much better submissive, if he could just get over the baggage. (not in those exact words, of course.) ]
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It's good for his sake, too, because the conclusions are —]
This makes it sound as though I'm bad at both.
[It's, like. 50% meant as a joke.]
When you say limits, in the second half. If I can go beyond them, are they really limits to begin with?
[shiva h. summons on a diamond dust cracker, rufus, holy shit.]
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On the contrary. I think you have potential to be exceptional at both, or either, depending on your preference.
[ there are just a few hangups to get over... like, for example, the one rufus just immortalized in text. ]
Think of it this way. Do you remember the raid on the warehouse that ended up being a front for the diamond dust ring? When Verdot had me take point on the team coming in upstairs, which happened to be where the explosives were held.
[ tseng was maybe 22, then; rufus would have been 21. he likely wouldn't have paid much attention to the event when it happened, but tseng knows he's read all the turk files by now. the warehouse blew up. tseng broke one of his legs and a couple of ribs, and had second-degree burns all across his chest and arms. he was lucky; it only took the healers two days of work, to get him walking again. ]
I could have walked on that leg, even though it was broken in two places. Should I have, just to make a point?
You don't need to force yourself to be uncomfortable for the sake of proving you can handle it.
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You know it would've been expected. If it were me.
[He doesn't say who would have done the expecting; he doesn't want to extend the bastard even the dignity of an aside or a mention. It's not as though he needs to, not really. There's always only been one person whose standards Rufus could never live up to.]
You know they trained me in what to do if I was ever taken hostage? Unlikely, of course, but not impossible. "Stay alive" was on equal footing with "remember you're a Shinra and act like it".
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I do know that. I also know they aren't here, and that you are already more and better than he ever could have been.
What they would have expected of you is not my concern. Only what you need, and what you want for yourself.
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[He has, perhaps, never typed a sentence so fast, nor made himself hit send so quickly. So fast there's no time to think through the ramifications. So immediate that there's no taking it back.
It's only afterwards that there's space to read those lines of Tseng's text over and over again and dwell on what it makes him feel. The compliment, the unbidden praise. The reassurance. The lack of mockery. The refusal to categorize any part of him a failure.
It's not hard to see the clear bright line from A to B, when the question asks who it is that makes him feel safe, no matter the circumstances.]
But I won't ask you to. I don't want you to do it just because I asked.
[His fingers feel numb. His nerves are buzzing. Somehow, he plucks out the last of the keys anyway.]
When you planned everything on my birthday. And I didn't have to ask or decide. That's halfway to...this...already. Isn't it?
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Maybe a third of the way.
[ fuck. ]
All right. Yes.
[ fuck. ]
I will. Not because you asked me to. And not immediately. But soon, when the opportunity presents itself.
[ and then tseng goes to take a shower, during which he jerks off desperately and tries not to be ashamed, after, of what he imagines. ]
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Rufus Shinra sits on his couch in his 10s suite (not as nice as Tseng's, because nothing in this room is quite as nice as the things he partakes of at Tseng's) and holds his watch in fingers he can't quite feel anymore, and breathes, and nothing about him has changed. What he's done just now is about as close to an outright admission of weakness as one can get, the sort of thing he once would've thought couldn't be forced out of him even through torture or truth serum.
But here he is, on his couch, and he puts his feet up on the armrest and lets his head sink back into a pillow, and he holds his watch and Tseng is still his and the whole world hasn't come crashing down around his head, but he repeats himself.
Every future leads to ruin, maybe. A whole planet's fate rests on the decisions he makes. More fool him, should he squander an opportunity during the window he's got it.]
Your regard. Still high?
[Since what he has just asked for, what they now appear to be on the verge of negotiating, is very much him not being Tseng's boss.]
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but he still asked, and that's something. that's a lot, actually. ]
Yes, very.
[ it would take quite some doing to damage tseng's regard for rufus, and of all the things that might do it, admitting to wanting tseng to dominate him would never even come close to making the list. ]
...I can't remember whose turn it is.
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[Leave it to Rufus to have been counting, even subconsciously, when it comes to the running tally of an activity that one can win or lose at.]
I'm not going to tell you what to ask. I will say that you shouldn't feel as though you need to softball it. No figurative legs broken yet.
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You have my agreement, but I also need yours.
If we do this, I will ask you to promise me certain things about your boundaries and limits and I will expect you to keep those promises. Do you feel confident that you can do that?
[ feeling the way rufus does about things like weakness and limits and safe words..... ]
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It just takes a while for him to answer, quiet for a long time. Nobody's said anything about...starting this dynamic just yet, right at this moment, but Tseng had made it more than clear that he's supposed to be honest — no, not just honest. Genuine.]
No. I'm...not confident.
[He takes a slow breath, and makes himself clarify.]
That's why I want it to be you. Because I think I'll...that it's likely I'll make a mistake. And you already know that.
I can promise to try. But I might make mistakes.
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